i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
