Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Randomize
