Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
