I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
