I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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