so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
