dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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