then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
