Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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