when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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