he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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