I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
