I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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