All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
