Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
