I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
