Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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