A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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