So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
