I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
