you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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