Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
