I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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