So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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