would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
