my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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