My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
