Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
