help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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