Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
40s are totally the cure
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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