Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
