I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
