**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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