Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
