you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
