Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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