They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
