Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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