I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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