Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
