Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
