I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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