How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
