gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
