Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
