He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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