Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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