The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
