Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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