please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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